I think of Nina Simone everyday.

Romanticize everything so there is never a lack of love.

I’m home from my first ever tour that was two weeks long and very fulfilling. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m probably not sane for the way I approach my work. Recently I watched (for the fourth time) “What Happened, Miss Simone?” — a documentary on the life of Nina Simone, a classical pianist and singer whose influence and impact on the jazz industry still hold incredible weight today. Throughout her career, she uses her time on stages appointing the struggles of black folk and women. Anytime she had a mic, she used it to directly acknowledge the pain of her people and the bias society had against her personally even with her success and significance. She was vocal of how tired she always was, how unhappy she always was, how dissatisfied she always was. Nina Simone was polarizing, powerful, and unwavering when it came to her humanitarian views.

She said something in her late interviews after she had rehabilitated back into society post homelessness while in France. Nina said, “I have had a few love affairs and I would love to be married, but everything has had to be sacrificed for the music.” Throughout the documentary, she also talks about being driven by something larger than herself — almost like an obligation rather than a choice. “I choose to reflect the times and situations in which I find myself. That, to me, is my duty.” Everyday is an opportunity to study what it's like to be a person in an everchanging society that is constantly taking turns of being with and against us. There are so many different emotions and experiences we share as humans, but often feel alone in because there's pressure to reserve discomfort for solitude. I find this can lead people to feel lonlier because we naturally think if we are going through troublesome times, we are the only ones enduring the pain.

This floated in my head after every rewatch I saw through. I relate to this innate feeling she describes. My desire to dismantle oppression far surpasses my desire to be loved. It’d be dishonest of me to deny my lover-girl attributes, however, I think I’ve cracked some of the code. As a woman, the idea of romantic love is framed as the “ultimate goal/most valuable factor in this life.” To be desirable sexually and emotionally at all times is what gives a woman significance and motivation. Growing up as a child, you’re subliminally trained to prepare for the battle that is being a good wife, finding a good husband and keeping him happy, maintaining youth as long as possible but also know it’s out of your control that one day you won’t be able to. Being aware of this and unpacking it isn’t the cheat code that I mentioned. On paper it’s all very upsetting to know that is the reality women are born into.

The true secret is to romanticize everything. To take the idea of love and rebrand it. Naturally, our first association with the idea of “Love” is a significant other — one person to share the connection with. One person to find support and to give you value. I refuse to let that be the extent of it all. I romanticize my walks by listening to my demos and imagining what it’d be like to perform the final products. I romanticize making dinner for my friends by making sure there’s a fun drink and a homemade fun dessert at the end. I support my coworkers by learning their strengths and weaknesses and adapting accordingly so we can complete whatever task is at hand together and share the relief that comes with it. I give flowers where flowers are due. I romanticize everything and am in love with all the different connections I share, therefore I never feel like it’s missing. I’m in love with concepts, with art, with warm sheets, with mature trees, with incomplete ideas.

I wish so deeply that Nina Simone could have had a more romantic love present during her time on Earth. Her sacrifice will keep her immortal and me inspired. I relate to her cynical words, the ones that ring of purpose and withheld pleasure and happiness. I hope that with every sacrifice I make for the tasks I give myself, they’re met with equal displays of love.